Feedback:
Rebecca Knapp, a TV and film producer from the media industry, read over the first draft of our script and gave us the following feedback:
The very first flaw in our script which Rebecca noticed was that we was lacking a title page which included the title of our short film, the draft number, the date it was written and a contact number. Rebecca explained that in the industry these details are essential to have on the front page of the script as writers and producers need to be able to quickly distinguish the newest improved and final draft, and the contact details are needed in case anyone needs to get in touch. Rebecca also immediately noticed that our script was not in the correct format. Although the font was correct, twelve-point Courier, and the scene number, exterior/interior, location and time of day was correct, the layout was incorrect. The character names needed to be centered, and should only be in capital letters only the first time the names are seen. Rebecca stated that in the media industry, the general guide is 1minute of time per page, so as our script was seven pages long, minus the front page, this should be about the correct length for a short-film.
Rebecca's final comment on layout was that we had too many acting directions and that the script should be "showing the actors, not telling them," and said that we were not descriptive enough when introducing the characters.
In terms of the actual context and plot of our short-film, for the second shot of James looking at his phone when receiving a text message, Rebecca suggested instead to use the modern technique which dramatic TV programmes use of editing the text across the screen. We agreed that this would be much more successful and look more professional than filming a shot of a wobbly mobile phone screen.
Rebecca's second suggestion was that she felt we needed to build up our character's personalities more, particularly our protagonist, James. This is because for the real shock factor at the end, it will be more successful if the audience have sympathetic feelings towards James. She suggested two ways which we could do this; we could either have other characters saying nice things about him in their dialogue, such as the character Roxanne saying something like, "You've got a heart of gold you have," or we could do this by developing his character and making him appear to be a really nice person. We decided to do this by adding another part to scene 2, where a small child carrying a load of heavy books would walk into the room where James and Roxanne are walking out, and Roxanne would bump into him, knocking the books onto the floor, and wouldn't really care. James however would look at Roxanne in disgust, and turn back to help the child pick up the books. By doing this, it will enhance the selfish side of Roxanne, and will aid the success of the final scene as the audience will feel happier that the gay couple are together.
Rebecca's final suggestion was that she felt that there needed to be more at stake between James and Ashley as in this draft of the script there isn't anything really that they could loose.
The ideas that we came up with for this was maybe they could be best friends, or used to be best friends, as this would explain the tension and secrecy between them. This would also help when disguising their homosexuality until the end scene.
Our original title for our short film was 'Concealed,' but Rebecca thought that this would too obvious, and it would give the plot away. The suggestions that were made was 'Popular,' as James is a popular character who doesn't want to put his reputation at risk. Eventually, we decided on the title 'Status' as James' status amongst his 6th form friends is ultimately at risk.
Second Draft:
Feedback:
After making corrections according to Rebecca's feedback, this is the second draft of our script. It is now in the correct layout, and the characters have added dialogue and shots to establish them better.
In order to iron out any silly mistakes/ elements which don't quite make sense, we decided to gain further feedback from our peers and teachers. We came to the following conclusions:
- Location - we decided that it is seen as more socially acceptable to be homosexual amongst older people, such as a University than a secondary school as there would be more immature and snide comments made, as opposed to physical abuse. Therefore, we decided to set our film in a college as our location isn't large enough to be a realistic University campus, but is large enough and would work as a college. By doing this, it will also allow us to make our film in the style of the French New Wave and Jon-Luc Godard as there will be be no need to cast extras as school children in Uniform to establish the school environment.
- Roxanne - although Roxanne's name is never actually mentioned (this is so that the audience can assume that she is actually 'Ashley,' thus creating the surprise at the end when they see that she ISN'T Ashley) we decided that we need to make the audience dislike her more, so that they feel more satisfied which the narrative resolution that James chose Ashley, and so that Roxanne is not seen as the victim. To do this, we wanted to make her appear to be more selfish, so we added in the script dialogue such as "come and see me later" to show that even though James is clearly upset and uncomfortable about something, she is oblivious to it and only cares about herself.
- Ashley - we decided that we needed to make Ashley's character liked by the audience. To achieve this we needed to build his character, so to begin with, we focused on the football scene where we will reveal that James and Ashley were friends in the past. This will show the audience the reason for the tension between James and Ashley, and that they 'used' to talk to each other. We will do this by either using the character of Roxanne or John who will comment on the relationship between them and their past relationship. We will also build up character in the fight scene by establishing that James is a moral character as he disagrees with the fight, saying dialogue such as "that's not right" and wincing uncomfortably. We will also develop the fact Roxanne is selfish character by her believing Ashley being beaten up is acceptable, as she will be shown as not bothered about it at all, thus showing she has no emotion or care for anyone but herself. Finally, we will build their relationship more by showing James will walking along, and Ashley will walk past. We will then have a short shot of them aknowledging each other. James will be deep in thought when seeing Ashley and will bump into someone, and this person will be fine with James bumping into him. However, Ashley may then bump into someone and be very apologetic, but this person will not respond well. By doing this we will be showing the audience that James is a popular, liked character, whereas Ashley is not because we have established his sexuality and the fact that the people around him do not see being a homosexual as acceptable. James will stand up for Ashley and the person will stop because of James' high status amongst his peer group.
- We also felt that if we wanted to use Goddard's French new Wave style within our film we would need evidence to show why. To begin with we don't want to emulate the French New Wave style, just use specific elements of it. We are also using this style because we want to make our film look as natural as possible and this style will help us to do this through elements like natural lighting, this will also help us to steer away from making a generic type of film. One of the elements of French New Wave we could use is freeze frames as they will help to highten emotion and create tension between characters.
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